It is time for your second draft. This essay has a number of flaws that you have noted. You're going to attack these problems one by one, in order from the most severe to the least.

You should edit every part of this essay except for grammar and spelling. If you are not an essay writing service on grammar and spelling, get advice from someone who knows about them.

Write out your critique as clearly as possible, and keep it in a separate document so that two drafts do not coexist on paper or diskette: first draft + critique = second draft; critique + first draft = new draft (new version); two versions = confusion later on; clear separation now saves work later on!

Note how long each step takes so that you can estimate the time for your next essay.

Think about who wrote this paragraph (yourself or the instructor), and tell what kind of audience you are writing for (a general reading public, college administrators, legislators, company presidents). If it is important to know these things when making an evaluative judgment, then it is equally important to note them here so that you will remember later on what was going through your mind as you made those judgments.

Like any artist working with materials he or she knows well, there may be times when we look at some part of our work and say to ourselves "There's nothing wrong with it." This could happen after a first draft. It could even happen after a second draft. Don't fall into that trap! Ask yourself what you would say to your friend who gave you the paragraph and said, "I'd like a critique of this." If there's nothing wrong with it for its present purpose, ask yourself how it could be improved. Then improve it.

The final draft of this essay will have style, grammar, spelling, punctuation, word order–everything right except content (content = the ideas expressed). That is impossible because if you were experienced enough to get everything else right I wouldn't be criticizing the essay in the first place. So don't worry about getting every detail perfect; just try to push your way through!

Although revision usually proceeds from general to specific levels in organizations such as paragraphs or chapters or essays, you should not get into that habit for revision. If organization A is wrong, a more general approach will not fix it. You have to work on the detail level so that your revisions are just as much improvements as they would be if you had never written anything before!

Step 1: The Big Picture : What's Right About Your Essay? Let's say it like this: "If I were going to write an essay with exactly the same content and another person was going to critique it in such a way that the essay received an 'A,' what would we look for?" Say something like the following: "The introduction is grabby because of its shortness; readability is high throughout; ideas are clearly expressed..." Don't say that it's hard to find anything wrong with the essay because other people will think that you are being defensive or sarcastic. If there is nothing wrong, say so and go on to Step 2.

Step 2: The Big Picture : What's Wrong About Your Essay? Let's say it like this: "If I were going to write my essay with exactly the same content and another person was going to critique it in such a way that the essay received an 'A,' what would we look for?" Say something like the following: "The introduction could have been better; readability level is low in places..." Don't say how badly written it is overall; don't defend the writing as being adequate just because you wrote it yourself.